About three years and 9 months ago our local high school cheerleading squad was having a fundraiser garage sale. I was excited to help out this group of students while cleaning out my pile of unused things at the same time. So early that Thursday morning I loaded up and took ALL of my baby clothes, accessories and of course huge supply of maternity clothes from three pregnancies. Before I left I told them I didn’t want any of it back, only empty boxes. They could donate the rest to Goodwill. A couple of days later, I got a knock at my door with one of the cheerleaders dropping off all four of my large storage bins empty. It felt great to be done and out of the baby stage. Our third child was exactly four years younger than our second son and he was our Let’s have one more baby. When that 8 pound 15 ounce bundle of red hair was delivered at 2:15 in the morning, I was elated and completely content to have three beautiful healthy sons.
I was of course asked the question more times than I can remember, ‘When are you going to try for that girl?’
‘We’re not,’ I’d quickly reply. God had blessed us with three boys to carry on our family name. Three boys who looked a lot like their daddo. The third even more of a spitting image of him; almost a sign of humor from the guy above. You want one more? Maybe a girl you think? Here. Have a large, large baby with blue eyes and red hair and even more stubborn tenacity than the first born ever dreamed.
Yes, we were complete with what God had blessed us.
So that Saturday morning when those four empty boxes arrived at my front door, a feeling of excitement spilled over me. We were finally finished with the birthing and baby stage in our family and could now focus on raising these kids. Daddo and I were happy with this closure in our family’s life.
It was now August and after breast feeding my third son for 12 months, his birthday in June marked another final chapter. I was finally in full swing of being able to workout and have my body all to myself.
My neighbor friend and I had started a jogging routine in the early morning before I had to go to work. She actually started keeping our youngest that school year and everything was working out great.
For a week or so she had been complaining about feeling nauseous and tired and was really worried about being pregnant. She had taken a few pregnancy tests which had all come back negative. I remember just thinking to myself while listening to her worry about being pregnant, I’m so glad I’m not pregnant…. that would be absolutely horrible. I talked about my next cycle not coming for a week.
That’s when she reminded me that I had said the same thing the week before. So should I be starting now? Man, I really need to keep up with that better on the calendar I thought. The rest of our jog home I couldn’t wait to get inside to count the days since my last period.
1,2,3,4,5………. 28,29,30,31,32… I was five days late. I didn’t need a test. I knew. My cycle was always perfect. My knees became weak. I texted my friend and asked if she had any unused pregnancy tests… she did. When I ran over and got it, I told her I didn’t need to start for a few days so I wouldn’t take it yet. Of course I did. Immediately I went to our bathroom and took the test. It was a double line before I could get in the shower. I was shaking. I was mad. I was scared. I was upset and frustrated. My body methodically got in the shower from my run. I wasn’t crying. Still just in shock as I washed my hair. When I got out I looked over and saw the even darker double line result. I wrapped my towel around me, knew I had to tell Daddo, and the tears started to flow. It was 5:30 in the morning when I stumbled to his side of the bed fumbling with the lamp and telling him to wake up…..
I shoved the pregnancy test in his face just crying, not saying a word. He saw it first asking what it was, but he knew. He’d seen these things before. I was sobbing. His first words to me I’ll never forget. ‘Well, do you want to get rid of it?’
I knew my husband would NEVER want to do that, so I shockingly said ‘Of course not!’
Then he calmly said, ‘Ok, then, this is a blessing; and we’ll love this baby like we love our other three.’
But, but, but I don’t want to be pregnant again and go through that again and WE CAN’T AFFORD FOUR KIDS! I am still so grateful for his words that morning. As upset as I was, he immediately knew what to say to help me realize there was no turning back. This was happening and it would be okay.
Still, that reality set in quickly and I was not happy in those first few moments. I had only three months in the past two years that I wasn’t either pregnant or breastfeeding. I wasn’t at all prepared for this. But it was a school morning and we had to go to work and also get our three boys up and out the door. The world beckoned us whether we were freaking out or not.
The days and weeks after that early morning were a roller coaster of emotions for us. One day I would be ok with it and be the calm one and Daddo would be stressed about our financial future and our sanity. The next day our roles reversed. I think about that a lot how it always worked out that one of us was there to console the other; we were never both really down or worried at the same time.
The day we went to the doctor to find out the gender of this fourth kid, we didn’t talk too much. I think we both had persuaded ourselves into believing that we only made boys. I remember telling someone that actually a fourth boy would be smoother and easier for us during this stressful time. We knew how to handle boys and felt prepared for another.
The moment the sonographer showed us what we all knew in that room was a girl on that screen, she didn’t even have to say the word. ‘I think that’s what you’re looking for.’
I immediately started to giggle and couldn’t stop. I think I said ‘Oh my goodness’ about 12 times. Daddo was very quiet. He leaned on the counter in the back corner of the little room. He leaned more and more for the support of that counter in the minutes after seeing that girl part.
Then my obgyn came into the room and in an instant our first small bit of excitement about this unplanned pregnancy turned into absolute worry and fear. Our baby’s abdomen was enlarged and this was a serious sign of several chromosomal abnormalities. She set up an appt with a specialist two hours away and we left the office quiet; not even speaking. Can you imagine? A couple with three boys at home, leaving the doctor after finding out they’re having a girl and they’re completely silent. Not even phone calls, although our phones were lighting up from our anxious family.
God continued to surprise us and remind us that we didn’t have control.
The next two weeks before that next appointment was just a sea of worry and anxiety for us. I did way too much internet research on google about enlarged stomachs in babies. We didn’t tell anyone other than our parents and brothers about the find on the sonogram. Everyone we saw every day was just ecstatic for our news and we had to pretend to be absolutely happy, too. It was very hard.
Our first appt was to see a genetic counselor. This person sat us down and told us that because of the enlarged stomach, our baby had a 90% chance of having several abnormalities including Down Syndrome and serious heart defects. She told us that at 20.5 weeks, we were at the last chance of having an abortion, or having an amniocentesis which could also send me into labor. We stopped her in her tracks. There would be no talk of an abortion and no talk of running tests to give us more percentages of having possible birth defects. We told her our baby would be however God made her and we would love her no matter. That decision was so easy for us. We never even discussed it before we sat in that room with the counselor. We both just said the same words at the same time to her, ‘No way.’
Next we went to our level 2 sonogram…. Which, low and behold, showed it wasn’t even her stomach that was swollen, it was her liver. This was actually good news because there are no chromosomal defects associated with an enlarged liver. Bad news, this was a super rare, 1 in 2 million birth defect and it affected her liver, bile duct system and largely her entire digestive system. Our daughter would need surgery as soon as she was born.
The rest of that story is blogging history here. The day of her surgery was our first sign of just how strong this girl was and how much she was meant for our family.
We also learned how powerful prayer can be and that God is fully in control, good or bad.
The last three years have been the most amazing, gratifying, life-changing times in my whole 35 years. Not just because of this girl, but also because of her three brothers who live with her.
I’ve learned what it truly means to trust God’s plan and to believe that He knows what is best for us. I’ve learned that as much as we try to plan and map out the timeline of our lives, we are merely just in the driver’s seat with God supplying the roads in front of us. Our decisions on how to handle what is thrown our way, is the only control we have.
I can’t imagine life without any of our four kids. To think we sat across from a woman who asked us if we wanted to abort our child; or to risk her life with a test to see if something was wrong with her. Children are God’s blessings no matter how they are made; they are ALL perfectly and wonderfully made.
Yes, I’ve learned so much these passed three years. I’ve learned patience (more). I’ve learned what it means to let go of some of my strict planning and just let some things happen. I’ve learned that none of us have control of this life, although we may think we do.
I’ve learned so much just from my daughter. She’s taught me how to have fun and live the moment like you’ll never get it back. I’ve learned that we don’t only live once. We live every day! We only die once.
I’m just in awe of her everyday. She’s brave and incredibly happy! She’s so tough but also loves with all of her might. She has amazing confidence in herself. I wish I could be more like her; the kid we didn’t think we’d want.
Happy 3rd Birthday Cora Love! We never know what our life will bring us. Thank you for reminding me of this every day that I wake up to the sound of your feet running down the hallway to our bedroom.
I saw this picture the other day and immediately thought of our girl!
The other morning she and I were the only ones awake and I was holding her. She said, ‘Momma you big and I wittle.’
‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘Who else is big?’ I asked.
‘Daddo is big and Bubba is big and Cole is big.’
‘What about your other brother?’
‘Oh yeah, Rhett is big too but I can wrestle him and beat him up!’ she said as she clinched a fist pump.
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Looks you guys have a great time right 🙂