I’ve had so many women who are
ahead of me in the parenting thing tell me more than once, ‘Never say
never.’ Usually I would stubbornly think in my mind, No really, I know what I’m talking about and I will never do that.
I’ll never let my kid drink a coke.
I’ll never yell at my kids.
I’ll never let my kids watch cartoons at bedtime.
I’ll never let my kids eat that.
I’ll never say a bad word in front of the kids.
My kids will never pee outside.
I’ll never let my toddler skip a nap.
My kids will never back-talk to me.
We will never do more than one activity at a time.
There will never be eating in my car.
My daughter will never wear that.
My son will never do that.
I will never be that mom.
Be careful, very, very careful while using this dangerous word in the parenting world.
Ten years ago I used this word all the time. I read books that told me exactly what parenting was supposed to look like. I had it all figured out. And then the kids were actually born.
In the past decade of being called Momma, I have contradicted myself in so many ways. What I thought I’d never think and things I thought were entirely wrong to do, they’ve happened. There are moments in parenting that are ‘first ever.’ They happen before you know it, before you even knew what you were doing and then it’s done and that ‘never’ word is useless and defeated.
When I was home the first few months with my second born, and my oldest was 19-20 months old, I was experiencing the life of having two kids and a lot of nevers were officially crushed.
One memory that stands out in my momma heart still today is the first time I raised my voice. Cole was a very fussy baby and he was crying pretty hard after a bath. Will was an incredibly stubborn and demanding a normal toddler and was whining and clinging on my legs while I was trying to soothe Cole and dry him off. There was so much crying and whining and leg-pulling all at once that before I could take my mommy steps of patience and perfect child-rearing I had read about in my books, the loud voice came out.
‘Just STOP!!!!!’
Then I immediately stepped out on the front porch and sat in the rocking chair holding my newborn while trying to cool down and get away from my terribly-almost-two year old. A couple of minutes later, the porch door slowly swung open and my little Will walked out. He wasn’t crying anymore and he just softly walked over and crawled up in the big wooden rocker next to me. He was quiet and still at first, then he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and said, ‘Momma yell.’
My heart fell to the floor {and it has hit the floor many times since}.
I didn’t learn my lesson immediately that day, though, and I thought to myself, ‘I’ll never yell, again.’
Lies, lies, and more lies.
That day sticks out sorely in my mind, but it’s also part of my process of learning that we can never truly say never. Being a parent is a constant learning experience. It changes not just
between each of our kids, but it changes as our kids hit different stages and as our lives change and grow too. Believe me. What you say will never happen when you’re a first time mom, will completely change when you’re raising your fourth child.
When I was a young coach’s wife with just the two boys as toddlers, I had another coach’s wife tell me how her kids had a bowl of cereal for dinner after that late-night game. I remember just thinking, I’ll never give my kids just cereal for dinner. How horrible!
Well, how many times have my kids had cereal, popcorn or frozen nuggets for a quick dinner at 10pm after Daddo’s school events? I’ve lost count. Need a little boost in the momma confidence? My youngest had Lay’s potato chips for dinner last night. You’re welcome.
No seriously, when it’s 6:30pm
and you have no ‘healthy’ snacks after leaving soccer practice and your
two year old is hungry but you still have two kids to pick up from
baseball, then the gas station chips are the only thing to keep her from
whining and your patience intact.
I remember being so nervous taking my 8 week old first born to watch his Daddo coach a basketball game and sitting in the top corner of the bleachers away from everyone else and their germs. My fourth child went to Sea World at 2 months old! We do become that crazy momma.
As our kids have grown (in ages and in number) and our lives have become less simple, I understand exactly what that mom was doing and how okay it really was. So what if you’re not able to have a gourmet, nutritious meal every night. Being together, loving them, teaching them discipline and accountability; those things far outweigh many of the chapter topics I read about and used to try to do so perfectly when I was a younger mom.
Yes, as our kids have grown, Daddo and I have grown right along with them. We learn something new almost every day and are always trying to ‘figure it out.’
That list of ‘nevers’ has turned into a list of ‘I’ve done its.’ Don’t worry, yours will too
We survive road trips with lots of car snacks.
My kids have played baseball games at midnight.
My four year old doesn’t nap (and my 10 year old reminds me daily of this atrocity).
We all yell a lot. Our house is loud in general.
My boys potty trained in the yard.
I buy way more clothes for my daughter.
I’ve let a ‘bad’ word slip from time to time.
My toddlers play with my phone.
My kids have back-talked before a lot.
We’ve spent more than $200 on a single sports item.
We do way more than one activity at a time.
I feed my kids concession stand nachos and sugary stuff.
I’ve given combined birthday parties for two of my kids, more than once.
I’ve licked the paci that fell on the ground and gave it back.
We’ve skipped baths.
We had another child.
As the list above grows, the list of ‘I’ll never’ has gotten shorter, but some things still remain (as of today).
We will never buy a battery-operated ride-on toy.
Daddo and I do not share our bed and never will.
I will never allow violent killing video games.
My kid will never say ‘I hate you.’ * {I know, I know, this is one that I should expect to come with the teen years. But I never said it to my parents because I knew the wrath of hell that would come would be much worse than whatever happened to make me want to say it. I just pray I instill the same fear in my children}. *
My kids will never have a social network account.
Never is a powerful word. If you use it a lot, then it becomes less effective with both yourself and more importantly with your kids. There are some parenting styles I don’t like or agree with but circumstances can change a lot of your ‘beliefs’ and ‘opinions’ quicker than you can realize it even happened. As a new mom, just know that your gut feeling, mommy intuition or first minute’s reaction is the simplest measure of what is best for you and your child. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or what a book tells you to expect. There are some most days where you’ll make your decisions based on your child staying alive, being somewhat happy and more importantly your sanity intact. You can’t always do the thing that is the healthiest and most child psychology-friendly for your kid. Sometimes you just gotta make it work so you can get through the day and get to the next morning. It’s one step in front of the other until we reach our parenting goal: raising an independent, hard-working, law-abiding, productive citizen of our country who loves only Jesus more than his momma. That’s our one true responsibility. How you get to that 18-22 year finish line is completely up to you. But there’s only one thing you can expect as a parent and that’s EVERYTHING.
4th newborn
First kid ‘reading’
Third one
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The purpose of baby wipes the fourth time around…
Vacationing..
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